My best friends.

Dear friends,

I have two best friends in this world, and today I was finally reunited with my William! Very, very happy. That kid is just something else. We chatted for a while, he practised his magic tricks on me (very cool, and it seems I am very gullible...) and taught me poker, we got ice cream, and then I finally got to hear him sing again when we met some friends busking and he was asked to join in. He has a lovely voice and they were playing some excellent songs so I had a thoroughly enjoyable time chilling and listening to them in the sun.
I'd missed him so much, and am so glad that distance has not ruined our friendship but strengthened it.
Whilst we were talking today he commented that he 'completes' me, and I realised that he was right. After seeing him I no longer feel like half of a whole.

Now I just need to see Cheryl and I will have been reunited with my best two <3

Desk lamps

http://www.boredpanda.com/exotic-gourd-lamps-by-calabarte/

This is how I imagine the concept of a person 'lighting up your life'.

Everyone is different, so their light would be different, not just the classic IKEA desk lamp's singularly styled gaze. Everyone who ever lit up my life in some way shone their own distinct light pattern on it.

Perhaps the cool effervescent light of a human soul -already glowing in its own pattern - is actually marked, although not marred, by the light patterns of other souls that touched it.

Pretty cool, huh?

Besides all that philosophical crap those lamps really are damn interesting.

The old and the new.

Dear Friends,
(That greeting seems to be becoming a thing. Not yet sure if I like it, but will extend the trial a little further).
Today has seen a few firsts, including first experiences of changed things, and some simple old things/loves.
Firstly, I had my first ever interview today! Muchos excitement, I know. I was surprised to find that I felt more confidence than nervousness (although nerves were definitely present), and I think that's probably a good thing. The interviewer seemed to like it anyway. He was pretty cool and vastly improved the whole experience for both of us by being friendly and honest, and I remain hopeful because he gave me good feedback. All in all, whether or not I actually get the job, a good new experience!
Whilst in town post-interview I went to get my helix piercing changed for a smaller size, and simultaneously met up with an old school friend. It was slightly strange to see an old friend like him under new circumstances, but it was actually quite nice. We were interested in the directions the other had taken, but not over-interested in a way that some old friends can be when you meet for the first time after a year or two and they want to know everything that has happened to you. It was chilled, and it was fine, and I probably wouldn't mind meeting up for a catch up again.
Later in the day, I saw another familiar face in a new situation: George, as a friend. It was a little odd to chat with him without the relationship context, but it was actually (to be honest, surprisingly) nice to see him and talk alone for a little while, as our only communications since breaking up had been a few short text messages. I also saw his parents, which was painful because I absolutely adore them and am still sad to have let go of the privilege of calling them my 'second parents'. But George and I are both okay, neither of us regretting the decision to end the relationship but rather respecting it, and seem to have no negative feelings towards one another.
Since coming home, I have mostly just been continuing to reread The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, which continues to be as brilliant as I remember. Another oldie in a new context. I do understand some of it slightly better than when I read it roughly two years (?) ago, and appreciate the fantastic writing/language even more than I did the first time, which is saying something. I swear to god I have more sticky notes and scraps of paper marking this book than any other book I have ever read. But I can't help myself, because there is at least one delicious sentence on every single page of this wonderful book. I cannot recommend it enough. As I told my mum this evening: such an abundance of pink sticky notes is a sure sign of my love.
I also had a conversation with mum's new lodger this evening, and never before has the statement that 'books recommend people' been more true. The woman loves Shakespeare, and like me mistrusts people who say that they do not read, or do not carry books with them in some form. She studied and later taught English, and just totally understands my book feels. Incredible! Mum sure picks people well.

I am now typing this in bed, and, once I have tired my eyes with reading, will be off to sleep. All this has made for a rather exhausting day. Sleep well, friends. Dream magnificent dreams.

Year One

Dear friends,

My first year at Keele University is at its end, and it truly has been an extraordinary year. I've fallen in love with this place, and the people I have come to know since September. I've loved my lectures, finally being able to solely focus on the subject I love with like-minded people who actually damn well want to be here. I have been in walking distance of a beautiful Hall and its woodlands, alongside the countless coffee shops, bars, and general hubbub of Uni life. It'll be weird to live off campus next year and be further away from it all. I'll miss the woods, but I can't wait to put some distance between myself and drunken students keeping us all up at 4am!

The people that tell you that you find out who your real friends are when you go to university are right, but I am happy to be left with the people who stayed. I have also gained some brilliant friends that I am privileged to have shared this year with. Hopefully I'll see some of them over the summer, although a few of them are slightly further out of reach.

I can't believe how lucky I've been to meet such brilliant friends. Sam and Rachel, my neighbouring couple, are currently chilling with me in Rachel's bed watching Criminal Minds with ice cream, chocolate, the lot. And we do this alllll the time <3 Besides that they are quite simply wonderful crazy friends. Yas is crazy adorable and understanding. Becky and I are on exactly the same wavelength, all the time, and she writes, and is a feminist and luuurves Rocky Horror as much as I do. Shy also writes and is this super cute, crazy little hip hop freak. Danielle is so cute, loud, funny, and always lovely. Ian is on my wavelength in ways other people rarely are. Nick, Charles and Phil are all totally different but equally talented writers whom I have been privileged to know as my colleagues in classes this year. It is amazing to know that during my first year at University I have been surrounded by people who genuinely get me, are super caring, super fun, and just brilliant in their own little ways. They all bring out the best parts of me, and have all changed me (I believe for the better) in little ways.

So things have changed, and I have changed. Sometimes that has been damn painful, but hopefully always for the better.

My relationship with my father basically disintegrated this year, and after so many years of trying to fix it I think its about time we both gave up. I appreciate that he has tried to be a great dad and always stay in contact with me, and that we have had some great times together, but I also know that we cannot keep pretending. We just don't work. We don't get on and I find it hard to believe that we ever will. I will never accept the way he speaks about and treats my mother or my brothers. I will try to forgive but will never forget the pain and anger I see in their eyes when I mention my dad, or when I tell them that we fought again. The pain a person causes your loved ones is something you never stop seeing when you have seen it once, even if you have all tried to forgive and forget for each other's sake. While my dad has never been truly awful to me, he still had a constant, irrevocable ability to make me feel awful about myself, and that is the kind of damaging relationship that needs walking away from.

My relationship with George has also ended, and I am honestly a little nervous to go home and see what life without him is like. It's easier here because George was rarely at Uni with me, but I know that when I go home there will be memories like ghosts haunting every place I knew with him. It's been a long time since I did home life single, and that scares me bit. I think that's when it will hit me and hurt, but for now I am in limbo. I have banned myself from dating until I get back to Uni in October, because I definitely need time to recuperate and figure out who this woman is that I am becoming.

I've changed in many ways as well. I have learned the enormous benefits of taking risks and finally throwing myself into the things that are important to me. I have performed on a goddamned stage with the rest of the dance society, facing my fears and taking on a challenge that I had always fearfully avoided before now. I would never have done that before university. I am more accepting of myself now: I'm aware that my good parts and my flaws are all just part of me; if other people can love me for who I am with all that included, why shouldn't I? I smile more now, at others and at things. Smiling is good, I've found. As are meditation, yoga and walking, all of which help me keep my balance. The confident, adventurous side of myself (a family trait that I always envied my brother for exuding) has definitely come out, and I am continually excited at the prospect of adventure, of novelties, and of exploration.

If my first year at University has taught me anything at all, it has taught me this: I CAN do anything! If I want it and fight for it enough, I just can! How amazing and magical is that?

After all that I've been through, all the people that I have met and that I have loved, all that has happened and all that I have done, I really believe in magic. I believe in magic that comes from sharing your life with extraordinary people, taking risks and noticing the little things as well as the big ones.

The woman that made my tea on Thursday gave me a genuine smile, I have my books, and life will continue to be beautiful, and that is what got me through sitting at the Thursday table alone for the first time since January.

Of course I still have sad days, but I know that those days always pass because this is the kind of sad that just takes time. My friends and my experiences this year make those days a hell of a lot easier to get through, and even the good days are better now.

I will be home with my mum very soon, and I cannot wait for whatever this summer might bring.

Woah.

http://distanceandchanges.tumblr.com/post/87713676588/halloweenrose-otheranonymous

Say What You Want To Say

Dear Friends,
It seems nonsensical, doesn't it, that a person would need to be told that they can say what they want to say. Surely we all do that anyway?
We really, really don't. Especially if we are English, and thus supremely reserved. Ridiculous as it sounds, people do not just say what they really want to say. That's a simple, well-known and forever disappointing fact. The real question is why.
Often, it's because we are afraid of the consequences of doing what we want and saying what we want - we might get hurt, laughed at, etc. But really, is there anything to be afraid of? Sure, sometimes people just might think you are a bit weird and you might regret it a little bit. But what about the times when you say something you wanted to say, although you weren't sure you should, and something great happens?
I met a guy who had this extraordinary ability to negate all of my inhibitions. I would literally just say whatever the fuck was on my mind when I was with him, even though sometimes that terrified me. My argument to myself was: what have I got to lose? Instead of losing anything, I gained so much, because only good things ever followed my saying what I wanted to say. He didn't judge me, he listened and often agreed with or even loved what I had to say. Hell, once he even kissed me for it. Sure, sometimes in other circumstances I've spoken my mind and it sucked a little bit because I was embarrassed. But the majority of the time, whoever I'm talking to, it's the best and right thing to do, and good things have come of it. So in my experience, the things we stand to gain from being brave and saying what we want to say far outweigh the fears of damaged pride if it doesn't go our way.
Sometimes, saying what we want can have bigger consequences. It can change someone's life, or change the world. If you don't like the way someone is being treated, how about you be the person that speaks up even though it's scary?
My favourite people on TV are actually a couple of news-reporters. There's this one guy on Channel Four News that always asks proper questions that make the asshole he's interviewing squirm. He doesn't say what anybody else wants him to say, he says what he wants to, and it's bloody brilliant to watch.
So if speaking out can be such a good thing, why the hell, people, are you all keeping your mouths shut when you have something you want to say??
Just say it. Because if you want to say it that badly, but are afraid to, it probably needs to be said.

Stay a Little Longer

It takes quite a lot out of you to say goodbye sometimes. I've been told before that saying goodbye is easier with people you haven't known long because you apparently don't care as much. Calling bullshit on that one.

On Thursday I said goodbye to a group of people that I have grown incredibly fond of this past semester, two of whom I have known since February and the rest I only met a few weeks ago. By no-one's terms was that easy. The two that I've known longer were particularly difficult. They were all going home to America, back to their home universities, so we had dinner together to mark the last night of their semester of study abroad. Obviously, therefore, it is quite a stretch to go and visit (although I do plan to), and this goodbye felt much more permanent than some. I wanted to beg them to stay, to never leave, to have one more drink and one more memory. Obviously I couldn't.

Warning: There will be lots of songs in this post, with lyrics that mean a lot. Words are my favourite thing in the world, so this post will contain a lot of them and not all will be mine although they say what I don't know how to. For example:

Brother's Osborne - Stay a Little Longer

I held it together pretty well when we actually said goodbye, although I was a little teary. When I got back, however, I collapsed onto my bed and cried for a good long time. At one point it felt like my ribcage was being torn down the centre by a bolt of lightning. I couldn't actually tell if I wanted to cry, sleep or throw up.

Big reaction for people I met less than a year ago, right?
You see, it doesn't take very long for someone to matter.

The thing is, I don't mind that it tore me apart, because I know that just means that I made true friends and have had such a beautiful time. To quote John Green: 'It hurts because it mattered.'

Some people come into your life and stay for a long time, other encounters may be fleeting, but I do not believe that this makes them any less extraordinary. When you part with someone who matters, especially if it feels much too soon, it can feel like you are wrenched apart and left with a scar or a mark. A mark like that, a memory, allows the permanence of something that is now gone. You may forget the details or the specific words the stranger said, but you are changed by what they said or did or who they were, and that is something that cannot be undone.

Meeting this group of people changed who I am in little, important ways. I'm less afraid now in many ways. I take risks - some I probably shouldn't like running along high walls and getting lost in the woods. But now that I'm done saying goodbye, I have decided to start saying hello. If I hadn't taken the risk of talking to this random guy I didn't know, and spending time with a group of people in which those that I didn't know vastly outnumbered those that I did, I wouldn't have the friendships that I do now, or have had all that fun. So now I finish my first year at University having experienced some extraordinary things and some less cool ones and having met a vast array of people. I leave with the confidence and intent to go out into the world, start saying hello more, and have an adventure.

I don't remember the specific words he used, although I wish I did, but an extraordinary man once told me that we are all made up of the people we meet. It doesn't matter how long we were with them, or how big a piece they take up, they all still matter. The people that I am made up of, I treasure. Especially the ones that continue to shape who I am to this day, whom I will go home to in a week or two to drink, dance and build sofa forts. I will at least be able to see some of the Americans in September, if I manage to get my act together and buy my tickets over there, although I don't know how they feel about sofa forts.

For now our time is up, and although parting was awful and tore me in two like a lightning bolt, I am actually happy. I will treasure the wonderful mark that has been left on my life, and the memories of the time that we did have.

This grid of photos and the photos below are from a super cool day we all had together on Keele lawn in the sun. We also had a bonfire in Keele woods in the evening. Great day, great memories, great changes.

To Ian and Danielle, my gorgeous lovebuggs: I love you, I miss you, and I am grateful for you and everything you have given me. You are both astonishing people, hopefully that is something you'll never forget. Enjoy telling our stories. I look forward to hearing your own when I see you again.

To all of my far off friends: Keep being crazy wonderful people, and thank you so much for letting me into your midst!

Ian. I've decided: I think I'd be a bird too. The kind that won't shut up with its singing, that perches right at the top of the tree so I can take it all in, even though it must be scary to be that high. You never know, maybe one day I'd get to fly next to you again. Although you'd probably be the cooler, infamous bird that has seen so many more places than the rest of us, as per.

News:

Personal:
George and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. We are no longer suited to be together in that way, but this summer we hope to try to be friends. I feel weird, but I know that it is the right thing to do, and so does he. We still care about one another, but not in the same way. So I'm okay, and so is he, and we couldn't have asked for a better break up. It could have, and possibly should have, been much worse. But there was too much happiness in our relationship for us to ever let it end with pain to mar the memories.

National:
UKIP are gaining power, proving the ignorance and perhaps the fatigue of this country.
Gove, the fool, has decided to remove novels of American canon from the National syllabus and focus on British pre-20th Century Literature. I cannot express my frustration with the fact that many students will now be put off studying literature, and those who do will not learn about the history and vibrancy of another country and its words. Words are so powerful, it is a great shame to limit those that are read.

Hunting Season

I promised I'd put my short story up once I'd submitted it, so here you are:

Hunting Season
“Just jump you great tit!” Luka called up in a whisper.
Alek frowned down at Luka and held a finger to his own lips. “Shut it you. There is an art to this.” Luka sighed with impatience as Alek slipped back into the second floor bathroom of their friend’s house to apply ‘finishing touches’, whatever they might be. Luka leaned against the neighbour’s wall, taking care to stay out of the view of the living room window, lighting a cigarette and watching the sky change as the white clouds that drifted above the skyline merged and reformed into a mass. Their brief reprisal from the heavy snow of a Russian new year would be over very soon.
“How the hell does it take a person that long to get ready?” Eva giggled quietly next to him, breaking Luka out of his reverie.
“We could ask the same about you, darling.” Irina muttered playfully, earning an offended scoff from her girlfriend and a shove for her trouble.
Luka rolled his eyes. “Careful, he’ll hear you and we’ll never hear the end of it.” He muttered, gesturing up at the window in which Alek’s head had just reappeared. Luka watched as Alek scaled the tree next to the window, dropping to the ground in front of him irritatingly unruffled.
Casting a glance down each direction of the alley, Alek grabbed Luka’s hand and planted a brief, fierce kiss on his lips. When Alek released him Luka looked around worriedly and pulled away from him, linking arms with Irina and striding down the alley in the direction of their apartment block. Alek sighed and loped after them, squeezing himself between Luka and Eva and linking arms with them both. Luka wriggled with discomfort but Alek caught his arm and pulled him to a halt. “What, so now I can’t kiss you?”
“Not in public, I don’t want to risk getting caught.” Luka said as the two girls walked on ahead to give them some space.
Frowning, Alek almost growled with frustration. “There weren’t any children around, so I don’t see why I can’t kiss the man I love.” He paused, shaking his head to cast out the negativity. “Am I not hot enough now for you or something? I mean, how high can your standards be?”
Luka attempted to repress a grin. “Careful with that ego or your head will get trapped even further up your ass.” He snickered. Alek gave an outraged gasp, playfully pushing Luka and sending him tumbling into the small fountain in the courtyard of their apartment block.
“Well, great. Now I’m angry.” Luka said, wiping his hair from his eyes and holding up a now very soggy cigarette. “You killed it!” He laughed, attempting to push himself back up. Alek feigned helping but pushed Luka into the water again, dancing off out of his reach. “I’ll get you for that!” Luka yelled, lurching out of the fountain and chasing after his lover. They ran in dizzying circles around the fountain, darting side to side, before Alek caught up with Luka and pinned him down, kissing him into submission.
“Hey lovebirds, stop trying to get us arrested!” Eva called over, waiting for them in the apartment building's door. For once they had reason to be grateful that their persistently useless doorman was fast asleep. Making apologetic faces at Eva, the pair stumbled up from the ground and followed the girls inside. “Your apartment or ours?” she asked, reaching for Irina’s hand in the safe cage of the lift.
Alek raised his eyebrows at Luka, who gave a shrug and pressed the button for their floor. “We have better wine.” Alek explained to the girls with a wink, avoiding Eva’s riled shove.
Barely an hour later, when they had all settled into the living room of Alek and Luka’s apartment, a tipsy Eva admitted that their wine was indeed much better. Alek sat with Eva on the floor, marvelling at her low alcohol tolerance, while Luka and Irina watched from the bookshelf by the window. They had been chuckling together as Luka tried to dry himself off, but Irina had begun to frown, and they now stood in silence. After a few moments, when Alek and Eva had noticed the quiet seriousness in the corner, silence fell across the room. Irina declared that she and Eva had something important to announce: “We’re leaving.” She said.
Luka automatically reached a hand down to Alek in shock. “Here? St Petersburg? What do you mean?” he asked.
Irina shook her head apologetically. “The country.”
“What?” Alek and Luka gasped, staring at their two friends. “Why?” Alek asked.
Irina moved to sit down next to Eva, holding her hand tightly. “When we went to the film festival, someone from those hate gangs was handing out gift bags with rope and soap inside, pretending they were gifts from the organisers. We realised what it was and refused to take them, but it was still horrible. The festival was cancelled half way through because of a bomb threat, and when we got home we found Mariya crying with her babysitter. She’d been sent a video online of a priest saying that gay people are spiritually and mentally unsound. When we watched it after putting the children to bed, Eva said-”
“I said maybe he is right.” Eva interrupted, sobered, with her lips pressed in a tight line. Alek and Luka murmured with sympathy, too shocked to respond. Irina ran her hand through Eva’s curly brown hair, gently pulling her head down to rest on her shoulder.
“So we’re leaving before they brainwash our family. We have the girls to think about – we can’t just stay and wait for them to be taken away from us when the new legislation goes through.” Irina said, gritting her teeth against the pain and fear visible in her eyes. Luka reached out a hand to her and she smiled gratefully, taking it in her own. “We want you to come with us.” She said, and Eva raised her head to nod in agreement. “We know that you will need to talk about it, but we have the tickets ready to book. Our friend Katia and her husband have been helping us organise it all but we can’t leave without asking you to come with us.”
Luka almost agreed there and then, but looked across at Alek first. Seeing his uncertainty Luka excused them both, pulling the door shut as they stepped inside the kitchen and hid their discussion in the noise of clearing away the dirty crockery. They emerged after what seemed like much longer than a few minutes, and the girls took their leave before the babysitter started charging overtime.
A few hours after the girls had left Alek and Luka lay on the sofa, limbs gracefully overlapping, as Luka traced the pattern of Alek’s veins lightly with his fingertip. Behind him, Alek used his free arm to text Eva. ‘When are our flights?’
*
“What on earth is she doing?” Luka asked bemusedly as he watched the window of the apartment opposite a month later, with his usual four o’clock coffee in hand. The woman had stopped in the window, barely moving for at least a minute, when moments ago she had been her usual bustling self.
“Maybe she’s watching us.” Alek muttered from the floor, leaning into Luka’s hand as it moved from the tangles of his dark hair to trace the sharp line of his cheekbone. “Maybe she isn’t the only one.” He added quietly after a pause, scratching the wooden floorboard with his fingernail. Luka turned and dropped his back to the wall beside the window, allowing his body to slide down next to Alek’s.
“Please don’t talk like that; you make us sound like someone’s prey.” Luka sighed, resting his head in the nook between Alek’s neck and shoulder and placing his mug on the coffee table. After a long pause, Alek reached for the newspaper that had arrived from America that day, and which he had promptly stowed under the sofa when Luka came home.
“My sister sent me the American paper she likes today.” He said quietly, holding it towards him. Luka smiled in response but quickly pulled the paper from Alek’s hands when he saw the headline. Alek watched Luka’s smile drop as he read about the gangs tricking people like them into meeting and then forcing them to suffer abuse on camera. “One of them was Dimitri.” Alek added.
Luka froze in shock and Alek pulled him closer, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and removing the newspaper so that Luka didn’t have to see it. He held Luka until the shaking subsided, and he knew the initial shock had passed. “We’re lucky Eva and Irina are taking us to England with them.” Luka said weakly. There was a pause.
“One last date night here tomorrow, and then we’re gone.” Alek agreed.
“Date night?” Luka asked, startled.
“It’s the Winter Olympics opening ceremony tomorrow, the perfect day to protest. We have to!” Alek finished, slightly less gently than he had intended and Luka stared at him in horror.
“No, this is why it is too dangerous!” Luka exclaimed. “The security is going to be ten times higher than usual, and you’ve already almost been caught and arrested twice when there were only two of you being peaceful on the streets.” He stood up and paced away from the window. “Besides, a protest isn’t the kind of date night I signed up for – what ever happened to dinner at a nice restaurant?”
“Surely you can’t just expect me to go to dinner and pretend everything is okay instead of fighting for the very right to be with you in public anyway?” Alek snapped, rising so quickly that Luka almost flinched, but instead backed away to rest his hand on the ancient burgundy leather sofa for support.
A thick silence hung in the room for a moment as they stared each other down, Alek shaking with hot-headed anger while Luka took deep breaths to calm himself. Luka walked to the window, resting his hands on the small wooden ledge and staring out into the darkening street. He shivered with a no longer irrational fear and sighed sadly. “The danger is the whole reason we agreed to go, Alek. If being able to be with me matters so much that you want to risk being arrested then why won’t you just be with me? Ignore the law and come and have dinner with me, like a couple should. Why can’t we let that be protest enough?” Luka said.
“Because I am sick and tired of living in fear that these people could be two steps behind me. Or us.” Alek brandished the newspaper between them, stabbing the headline with his finger and throwing the newspaper to the ground. He said the last words with bitter disgust, bile rising in his throat at the thought. “I’m done with feeling hunted in my own home. The law is so vague that they can target us for anything, and they aren’t just going to stop when we leave. The least I can do is stand next to my friends in one last protest before we abandon them all and skip off into another country’s sunset.” Alek said with disgust, storming over to the window beside Luka.
“Leaving has to be enough. I don’t want to live my life without you, but I will try if you force me to. There’s no – there’s no future for us here anyway.” Luka stammered breathlessly, a pain in his throat as he clenched against sobs. He had gone too far, and he watched Alek take a step back away from him in shock. Luka whirled around and fled to their bedroom, tripping on the bed covers that had fallen to the floor and letting his body collapse to the ground as the fear took over. Alek backed away from the window, his mouth agape as a dry sickness crept up his throat. Struggling to breathe, he turned and stormed out into the night.
Luka stayed where he was, trapped by fear and frustration. His own silence was so loud that he didn’t notice Alek approach an hour later until he had wrapped his arms around Luka and held him tightly. “I’m so sorry, Luka.” Alek whispered, rocking his lover gently in his arms and allowing the snowflakes in his hair to melt down his hot skin. “I’m just scared for our friends.” He lifted his hand and ran his fingers through the soft blonde locks of Luka’s hair, feeling the tension in Luka’s body dissipate slowly. Luka shrugged Alek’s arms away and pulled himself onto the bed, curling up with his hands under the duck-egg-blue pillow.
“Did you ever think that, just maybe, I’m scared for us?” Luka replied. Alek lay down next to him, moving closer so he could listen. “Sure, you could go to the protest and come back in time for dinner. But what happens if you get arrested? Then you don’t just miss dinner but you won’t be allowed to leave the country for however long. Or what if someone from those gangs sees you and follows you here? There’s just too much at risk this time.” Luka pleaded earnestly, placing a hand on Alek’s cheek and searching his eyes for emotion. For a moment they just lay there in peace, Luka watching the emotions change in Alek’s eyes the way that the colours of the sky change from glittering yellows to gold-orange at sunset. Alek looked back at him and sighed, shuffling himself closer to Luka and planting a kiss on his dry lips.
“You’re right, I shouldn’t and won’t go. We’re done being hunted.” Alek said finally, and Luka sighed with relief and thanked him, pressing their foreheads together. Exhausted, the pair curved their bodies around each other and fell asleep as they were, Alek’s hair still dripping with the coldness of the outside world.
*
The next morning, before they left for work as usual, Alek zipped his fingers into Luka’s. “I’ll be there.” Alek had promised, before locking their lips together as if throwing away a key.
That evening, Luka leant against the wall in the cool February air, watching the smoke from his cigarette curl up into the mist and drift above the heads of the people passing by. He flicked the lighter and watched the flame burn the way that Alek’s amber eyes did. It spluttered and went out.
Alek rarely missed anything, but today he was late. Luka allowed himself to be distracted by the cold air on his cheeks, the tacky theatre signs, and the young couple laughing too loudly as they stumbled past, already drunk. Alek would be there soon.
Luka waited to call until Alek was half an hour late and the waiter was threatening to give up the table to the procession of couples forming a queue in the light snowfall. He stopped trying after twenty two missed calls. After being barged into again Luka folded himself into a safe corner by the restaurant doors and told the waiter to let the table go. He muttered Alek’s name into the air, twisting his red cashmere scarf and toying with a burnt-out cigarette. Alek wasn’t coming.
When he had been standing in the cold for at least an hour longer than he should reasonably have waited, and saw the fireworks popping from people’s gardens to mark the start of the opening ceremony, Luka gave up. For once, he was too angry to feel the unfriendly gaze of the city stalk him as he walked home. He was ready to shout at Alek when he opened the front door, but when he walked in he found the living room disappointingly empty. There was no sign that Alek had been home at all that day; the apartment as empty as it had been when he left it almost nine hours ago. The breakfast plates still sat stacked in the sink, littered with pancake crumbs, and Alek had forgotten to put the frying pan in soak again. Frowning, Luka pulled off his boots and returned to the front room, placing them on the shoe rack and picking up the television remote on the way to the window.
He flicked through the channels until he hit one that was covering the news rather than the opening ceremony, and a familiar mop of dark red hair forced him to freeze in shock, his thumb hovering millimetres above the button on the remote. Luka watched as the news reporter confirmed that a group of men had been arrested in St Petersburg for holding up a banner in a peaceful protest. Behind her, Luka could see Alek being bundled into a police van with the other protestors, his expression unreadable.
Luka buckled at the knees as if shot, sinking to the floor like a wounded animal and retching at the emptiness in his chest.
Alek stood at the barred window of a detention cell some distance away, staring out into the darkness with regret. He crumbled a piece of stale bread past the bars and watched it fall like the memories of happy mornings with pancake crumbs dropping onto plates, disappearing out of reach. He gazed into the city as if expecting to see Luka at their window again, but instead saw only fireworks, sparks hanging momentarily in the sky before falling like a net onto the city, slowly closing in.

Actual goodbyes

It's official. Exam season is well under way, and to add to the stress, the goodbyes have started. The photograph below was taken last Thursday, at my last ever Thursday coffee with Shyralee and all of my American friends. That was the last time I saw Amanda, on the far left, as she went back to America on Monday. The bright side is that I have been invited to visit her in Tenessee, but the likelihood of that actually happening any time soon makes it all rather sad again. Tomorrow night actually be the last Thursday for the rest of us as well, because Ian, Shy and I have our last seminar together in the morning. After that, everybody will probably be too busy with exams and such to get coffee at 11am on a Thursday morning with little old me. Thankfully, I'll still have Shy for another couple of years, with the added bonus of us both being on the dance society committee next year (AHHHH EXCITEMENT!), but I will soon have to say goodbye to two lovely people that I'm just not ready to part from.

I've officially handed in my short story Hunting Season and the commentary that goes with it, so I'll upload it here for you to read soon. I now just have a 2000 word essay due Monday, a seen exam on Monday, and my final exam (Applied Psychology) on the 30th. I don't feel particularly prepared, certainly nowhere near as prepared as I was for the last lot of exams, but I'm also not panicking. At all. Despite the fact that it is already Wednesday... I just really have no motivation after having to come back to Keele after a month off at home. Even though I'd be revising I would much, much rather be back home with my mama.

Anywho, I'm off to Skype George and get on with some work, so I shall write again soon!