For a blissful but short period of my life I believed that I was free of my father's hold on me. I finally overcame my immense hulk-like anger and hatred towards him and simply became indifferent. For a while he could not hurt me, because I did not care. It is the unfortunate truth that this freedom has finally ended.
I have a half-sister, whom I love. She is 10 years old as of this April and is the sole reason that I stay in touch with my father. We have been writing letters contentedly to one another for years now, and our relationship has been entirely separate from my relationship with my dad.
Until now.
My father has decided to give me an all-or-nothing ultimatum. I must be part of his family's life completely, putting in maximum effort and making every attempt to make this broken father-daughter relationship work again, or he will cease contact with me immediately and include my half-sister in that.
Part of me is willing to accept this, because upon starting University I had hoped for a fresh start in all areas of my life. I decided to make more effort with my dad's family for my half sister's sake. By this point my father had decided to actively ignore my every attempt to contact him, so reconnecting for the restart didn't go so well. Nevertheless, I persisted with these attempts until the 26th April this year.
That was the day when I phoned their house to ask if my sister wanted me to visit for her birthday. I had been hoping my father wouldn't answer, so naturally he did. What ensued was a long and exhausting argument after which I was under the impression that I no longer had a father, as he 'couldn't be bothered' with me and all my 'crap' any more. That time he left my sister out of it.
So I gave up on my hopes of restarting the relationship and focussed instead on being a better sister.
I had not heard from my father since the 26th April until he messaged me this week to ask if I wanted anything in particular for my birthday. I replied that I was surprised by the offer given he'd basically disowned me, but that in any case there was nothing I couldn't treat myself to and that I would prefer it if he spent the money doing something nice with my sister instead.
On replying he basically ignored that request and had a massive rant at me about, in essence, me being a selfish shitty daughter and issued the ultimatum. When I had finished being angry and ugly crying about the messages, I realised that it was actually quite funny because dad was offering me exactly what I wanted (to try again with his family) as if I didn't want it. So I told him this, and said that yes of course I would like that, sounds great to me.
I do not believe that my father really wants to fix our relationship. He will find any excuse to fault me and cite this fault as an obstruction to the relationship. And alas he did, in the messages that followed a few days after my agreement. More stupid claims about me, on whom he thinks himself an expert when he is not. He cited many situations from the past, which he likes to complain about on repeat regardless of my response. In essence though the summary is the same. Ultimatum intact, I'm a shitty daughter, yada yada yada, will write to me but will cease use of Facebook messaging (which he claimed was the only way of contacting me these days despite the fact that I was the one who texted, called, and emailed as well as Facebook messaging him when he was busy ignoring me).
So I'm hopeful that when he writes to me the chance to try again will still stand, for my sister's sake.
I will be clear with you here. I do not want a relationship with my father. I would have ceased contact with him years ago if I did not have a sister to think about. It is for my sister's sake that I will try again if the offer still stands. It is for her sake that I am hopeful.
My worry is that losing my sister to his grip is inevitable. We may try again, but after a while he will decide that it has not worked and he will decide to cease contact between me and his family.
Regardless of the chance to restart, I worry that I am facing an inevitable forced cease of contact between myself and my sister.
The worst part is that he won't ever tell her the truth, because he can never be the bad guy. He will tell her that I chose to stop writing to her and seeing her. He will not tell her that he is ripping up every letter I send her (because I will always write to her, even against his wishes in futile hope that I will somehow get one past my dad). He will not tell her that he is forcing us apart.
For a moment, I hoped that I finally had a chance. Then I remembered who I was talking to and realised that I was facing the inevitable, I just seem to have a choice about the distance of this inevitability.
It is because of my father that I have been ugly crying frequently in this week before my 19th birthday. It is because of all the shit like this that he chooses to throw at me just when I think I'm doing okay that I cannot go a day without crying. That I cried today in town because all this is ever present in my mind, making me vulnerable to bouts of tears at any given time.
It is because of him that I am in constant pain all over again, just like 5 years ago when I had to have counselling because of him. Because I was afraid of my own father. Because I had grown up too fast to compensate for his refusing to play the adult. Because he made me feel like I was never good enough for him because it was so beneath him to utter that he was proud of me.
And do you know what?
When I told my father that I'd had counselling because of him, he didn't care. He didn't even react. My father quite simply did not give a shit about the damage he had caused me.
And I still struggle to believe that I will ever be good enough for anyone or anything, because I know in my heart that I will never be good enough for him.
For some reason that still matters.
Saturday, 26 July 2014
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
A Sudden Tearfulness for the Men in my Life
I was reading a rather good book while listening to music today when the voice of one of my favourite men in the world graced my ears. Immediately, I felt a sudden tearfulness. I was not feeling sad. I was feeling extraordinarily grateful.
I realised, then and there, that in this so far brief life I have been surrounded by men of astonishing calibre. Not only in the form my brothers, who you all know I adore as incredible men, but also in the form of several male friends.
There is one man whom I have known longer than I have known my own half-sister, and whom has been a constant rock in my life. David. We have been calling each other brother and sister for longer than I can remember and it is a claim on him that I cling to. We have helped each other through different kinds of pain and taught each other how to enjoy the little things again. He has suffered far more than any person should be allowed to suffer in a lifetime and he has not even reached 20. This is a fact which angers me as much as it baffles me, and it baffles me because he remains an incredibly strong, kind and genuine individual. He is also entirely content to sit in a darkened room and play Tombraider (or some other video game that I am even worse at) with me, an event which I am so excited to be happening tomorrow evening. I miss him and I absolutely cannot wait to see him.
Another wonderful rock-man in my life is Lachlan. We also helped each other through pain, although we were suffering from the same mental illnesses, and sometimes I feel quite sure that we would have not survived to the ripe old age of 19 without each other's companionship and support. After getting through all that shit, he is now doing pretty darn well for himself and just finished his first year at Oxford! He still calls me when he needs me, and makes sure I know I can do the same. But I think he is doing okay. He is looking after himself and everyone else, still that kind and generous gentleman that I've always known. When he surfs, he becomes some inhuman astonishing sea creature that flies across the water and comes home sopping wet and utterly delighted with himself. You have no idea how endearing that it to see.
As much as I will always say that William saved my life, or at least convinced me that there was hope, I have come to realise that these other extraordinary men had been keeping me alive for years before he came along.
During my first year at University I met a wonderful crazy guy called Sam, my closest Keele girl's boyfriend. He is mad, loud and occasionally a little too much for little me. He is super intelligent and super kind. He also learned to read me like an open book rather quickly, and because of that ability has helped me buck up my ideas and set me on the right path. He looks out for me, as well as everyone else. I have so many reasons to be grateful for his presence in my life this year. Not only is he doing a medical degree at Keele, but he also created and runs Keele Samba band (he is a super talented percussionist who played 'Bumblebee' on the xylophone blindfolded. Be impressed.), has his own charity and frequents Africa to check up on the progress his charity is making there, and loves his gorgeous girlfriend Rachel like nothing else in the world. If that doesn't read as incredible calibre than what does?
George. Although we broke up this year, it was not with any bad feelings or constant faults. He is more intelligent than he realises, and I do believe that he will one day be the star of the gaming industry. His mind, his imagination, is incredible. I always wished I could see it. And despite this talent amongst his many others, he is always modest and was an utter gentleman to me.
Ian is just something else. Like, how is that guy human? His passion for education, nature and the good things in life taught me the true value of them. He is cheeky in an intelligent and endearing way that I love, and inexpressibly kind. I wish I'd had way more time to get to know him.
Pete, my brothers' dad, has always treated me like his own daughter. I cannot express to you how amazing that felt when I was having such trouble with my real father. He makes me feel like my opinion is valued, like I am as a person valued. Unlike my own father, he has never resented my mother and it is testament to his enormous capacity of love that he has completely forgiven my father. He prays for him. He's also super talented and a total bookworm, which I enjoy greatly.
William, my gorgeous best friend. A talented, kind and incredible young man. He completes me, and he knows exactly how to make everything right again. Super talented, super modest. It is a continual bafflement to me that he has not been snapped up by a very lucky girl. I look forward to spending my old lady days sat next to my best friend and his family (he has already told me that I will be Godmother to his children, although I'll claim the title of Auntie), reminiscing about past adventures that are currently still under construction. I marvel at his kind and incredible heart every day, and I desperately hope that he will be properly happy soon. And also that he will send me the beautiful song that he is writing.
My brothers, of course. Those incredible men with their individual talents and their individual problems who have always, always been better brothers than I could ever have wished for. They protected me as long as possible from my own father, never speaking a word against him in my presence despite the pain that he had caused them. My brothers, those home boys who despite the extensive distance between us have not become distant themselves and still phone home as often as they can. I have a lot to live up to.
Of course there are hundreds of other men in my life who deserve paragraphs upon paragraphs, but these are the men in my life who came to my mind when I cried tears of joy at being so blessed.
I realised, then and there, that in this so far brief life I have been surrounded by men of astonishing calibre. Not only in the form my brothers, who you all know I adore as incredible men, but also in the form of several male friends.
There is one man whom I have known longer than I have known my own half-sister, and whom has been a constant rock in my life. David. We have been calling each other brother and sister for longer than I can remember and it is a claim on him that I cling to. We have helped each other through different kinds of pain and taught each other how to enjoy the little things again. He has suffered far more than any person should be allowed to suffer in a lifetime and he has not even reached 20. This is a fact which angers me as much as it baffles me, and it baffles me because he remains an incredibly strong, kind and genuine individual. He is also entirely content to sit in a darkened room and play Tombraider (or some other video game that I am even worse at) with me, an event which I am so excited to be happening tomorrow evening. I miss him and I absolutely cannot wait to see him.
Another wonderful rock-man in my life is Lachlan. We also helped each other through pain, although we were suffering from the same mental illnesses, and sometimes I feel quite sure that we would have not survived to the ripe old age of 19 without each other's companionship and support. After getting through all that shit, he is now doing pretty darn well for himself and just finished his first year at Oxford! He still calls me when he needs me, and makes sure I know I can do the same. But I think he is doing okay. He is looking after himself and everyone else, still that kind and generous gentleman that I've always known. When he surfs, he becomes some inhuman astonishing sea creature that flies across the water and comes home sopping wet and utterly delighted with himself. You have no idea how endearing that it to see.
As much as I will always say that William saved my life, or at least convinced me that there was hope, I have come to realise that these other extraordinary men had been keeping me alive for years before he came along.
During my first year at University I met a wonderful crazy guy called Sam, my closest Keele girl's boyfriend. He is mad, loud and occasionally a little too much for little me. He is super intelligent and super kind. He also learned to read me like an open book rather quickly, and because of that ability has helped me buck up my ideas and set me on the right path. He looks out for me, as well as everyone else. I have so many reasons to be grateful for his presence in my life this year. Not only is he doing a medical degree at Keele, but he also created and runs Keele Samba band (he is a super talented percussionist who played 'Bumblebee' on the xylophone blindfolded. Be impressed.), has his own charity and frequents Africa to check up on the progress his charity is making there, and loves his gorgeous girlfriend Rachel like nothing else in the world. If that doesn't read as incredible calibre than what does?
George. Although we broke up this year, it was not with any bad feelings or constant faults. He is more intelligent than he realises, and I do believe that he will one day be the star of the gaming industry. His mind, his imagination, is incredible. I always wished I could see it. And despite this talent amongst his many others, he is always modest and was an utter gentleman to me.
Ian is just something else. Like, how is that guy human? His passion for education, nature and the good things in life taught me the true value of them. He is cheeky in an intelligent and endearing way that I love, and inexpressibly kind. I wish I'd had way more time to get to know him.
Pete, my brothers' dad, has always treated me like his own daughter. I cannot express to you how amazing that felt when I was having such trouble with my real father. He makes me feel like my opinion is valued, like I am as a person valued. Unlike my own father, he has never resented my mother and it is testament to his enormous capacity of love that he has completely forgiven my father. He prays for him. He's also super talented and a total bookworm, which I enjoy greatly.
William, my gorgeous best friend. A talented, kind and incredible young man. He completes me, and he knows exactly how to make everything right again. Super talented, super modest. It is a continual bafflement to me that he has not been snapped up by a very lucky girl. I look forward to spending my old lady days sat next to my best friend and his family (he has already told me that I will be Godmother to his children, although I'll claim the title of Auntie), reminiscing about past adventures that are currently still under construction. I marvel at his kind and incredible heart every day, and I desperately hope that he will be properly happy soon. And also that he will send me the beautiful song that he is writing.
My brothers, of course. Those incredible men with their individual talents and their individual problems who have always, always been better brothers than I could ever have wished for. They protected me as long as possible from my own father, never speaking a word against him in my presence despite the pain that he had caused them. My brothers, those home boys who despite the extensive distance between us have not become distant themselves and still phone home as often as they can. I have a lot to live up to.
Of course there are hundreds of other men in my life who deserve paragraphs upon paragraphs, but these are the men in my life who came to my mind when I cried tears of joy at being so blessed.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
Happy days spent with heart-healing people
I had such a good day today, which makes me extra happy because I had a super shitty weekend.
I made it to my bus well on time despite oversleeping, and fitting in today's Insanity workout (which was easier today so I tried harder, think I'm getting the hang of this!).
I spent most of the day with my gorgeous best friend, who is possibly the cutest person ever because the cuteness is so unexpected.
When I told him that my dad had called me selfish and other not-great names he said: "You really are selfish though." Then he smiled very slightly as he finished his sentence: "You're just so kind and generous, you're always giving so you must be selfish." He just knows what to say.
Then there was added cute when he was sad that he couldn't see me on my birthday even though I never expect to see him on the day. When I told him not to worry about it because we had today, he said that it was not the same because he should be there on the day. He has now promised to phone me instead.
I have known this boy for almost 3 years now, and I could not be more grateful to have him in my life. Every time I see him I am able to realise that the things bothering don't matter like I think they do, I laugh properly for a change, and I honestly just feel complete. Best friends are worth the world, because they make your world right again when everything feels topsy turvy.
After saying goodbye to Will I saw two random pre-uni friends in town who were also cute and wanted to meet up and go out for my birthday. It was surprisingly lovely to see them, and I really look forward to meeting up with them soon.
Came home to Ben and Jerry's, and the first skype call with my eldest brother, making this the first time I have seen his face in real time since he came to London two years ago. It was an incredible feeling, and a wonderful end to a wonderful day <3
Today I am especially grateful to the extraordinary people in my life who make me believe that everything really is okay or will be, and who make me believe in better things. I have made it through a relative ton of shit because there are people on this world who are worth making it through for.
I am also endlessly grateful for my mum, who held me yesterday while I ugly-cried about the pain that my father was causing me. She didn't get frustrated or irritated or bored, she just told me that I was loved and stayed next to me until I was done. That is how parenting should be done.
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Family
Dear friends,
My family has never really been a traditional one. Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes I absolutely couldn't care less.
As many of you know, I do not really have a relationship with my father. We broke it. My parents may have separated when I was three, but he has always had some kind of presence in my life until this year.
I have two older brothers (12 and 14 years older, to be precise) who had a different father to me, and so are technically my half-brothers. Although I've known of and been able to use this term since childhood I have never used it unless explaining that my brothers and I do not have the same father. To me they have always been my brothers, no matter what technicalities tell me, and to them I have never been anything less than their little sister. My brothers are the greatest men in my life. They helped mum transform what could have been a shitty, confusing childhood into an absolutely wonderful one, and I will be eternally grateful for that.
I do have a younger half-sister, my dad's other daughter, and though I do love her there is a distance between us that has never existed between my brothers and I.
There are words to express what my mother means to me. All I can say is that she is the person that I admire and adore most in this world. My brothers and I would do anything for her, and I desperately hope that I will grow up to be like her.
As such, when I talk about my family I am referring to my wonderful mum and lovely older brothers. Not exactly traditional but I wouldn't want it any other way. I used to dream of having a 'normal family'. I thought that was the answer to everything. I was so, so wrong. Traditional does not necessarily mean perfect, or happy, as I thought it did. Nor does unusual mean unhappy. For me, in fact, it is incredible. I may not have a biologically related father to teach me to ride a bike, protect me from scary people and scary things, and fulfil all of the other traditional father roles, but I don't think I need one. I am lucky to have had three incredibly strong and incredibly kind people raise me. My mother has always been everything I needed her to be and more, taking on both parental roles as well as the role of a friend. As mum never remarried, the only real male role models in my life were my brothers, and they were damn good ones. Even though both of my brothers now live and work abroad they still manage to support me and help me through the shittier days, and I try to do the same for them. I don't need my dad to be my 'protector', because my mum is perfectly capable of doing that, as my brothers are despite the distance between us. Besides that, they've all taught me how to protect myself. I've never needed an official dad, because I have them. Nothing is missing from my life.
On a side note: one thing I absolutely despise is the general assumption that single mothers raise bad kids. Screw that. Throughout my academic career my school grades have never dropped below a B, nor did I ever get into fights or any real trouble at school. I got two A*s at A Level without becoming a total hermit so don't even try to tell me that single mothers can't raise intelligent, kind and well-rounded children. If I'd let my dad's attitude towards my achievements influence the amount of effort I put into my education I would never have worked as hard as I did or achieved such good grades to prove it. My brothers have excelled in their careers, and the eldest is actually the Executive Pastry Chef at Le Bernardin, one of the top restaurants in New York and actually in the world. Not only did she raise us single-handedly since my birth, but mum did that while studying for a University degree and working a job. She is incredible. Of course it is much harder to make a lot of money when you are a single mother raising three children, but money never really mattered to us. So it doesn't matter where you come from, or what anybody else thinks you can achieve because of that, you can achieve your dreams.
What hits me most about my family is how much we care about one another, how lucky I am to have them care so much about me. Despite what my father put them all through they have never let me feel different or unwanted, and they have always protected me from him. They encouraged me to have a relationship with him because they thought it was important. They never once said a bad thing about my father until I did, and even then I know they held back. I find it incredible that they were all able to put aside their own suffering for my sake when in reality they didn't have to. I know that if given the chance, I would now strive to do the same for them. In a way I do, because this time I am protecting them from my dad. We all stand up for one another and support each other through whatever comes our way, as family (biological or not) should. Of course we argue like every other family, but it never lasts long. We are still very close and aren't particularly good at being apart (seriously, we miss each other so much that it is physically painful at times), which I think is a testament to the love shown to and shared with one another from day one. I am thankful every day that I am part of this family, even if I arrived a decade or so late. I would do anything for my family, I have seen already that they will do anything for me.
Mum recently told me about something that Laurie, the eldest, had said to his girlfriend when mum had cancer almost 11 years ago. He said: "If anything happens to my mum Jennifer is coming with me, and if that isn't okay with you then we have no business being together." Thinking about that still brings me to tears.
I know that if the sky falls down on me, there's nothing in this world they wouldn't do. If it ever falls down on them, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do.
My family has never really been a traditional one. Sometimes that bothers me, sometimes I absolutely couldn't care less.
As many of you know, I do not really have a relationship with my father. We broke it. My parents may have separated when I was three, but he has always had some kind of presence in my life until this year.
I have two older brothers (12 and 14 years older, to be precise) who had a different father to me, and so are technically my half-brothers. Although I've known of and been able to use this term since childhood I have never used it unless explaining that my brothers and I do not have the same father. To me they have always been my brothers, no matter what technicalities tell me, and to them I have never been anything less than their little sister. My brothers are the greatest men in my life. They helped mum transform what could have been a shitty, confusing childhood into an absolutely wonderful one, and I will be eternally grateful for that.
I do have a younger half-sister, my dad's other daughter, and though I do love her there is a distance between us that has never existed between my brothers and I.
There are words to express what my mother means to me. All I can say is that she is the person that I admire and adore most in this world. My brothers and I would do anything for her, and I desperately hope that I will grow up to be like her.
As such, when I talk about my family I am referring to my wonderful mum and lovely older brothers. Not exactly traditional but I wouldn't want it any other way. I used to dream of having a 'normal family'. I thought that was the answer to everything. I was so, so wrong. Traditional does not necessarily mean perfect, or happy, as I thought it did. Nor does unusual mean unhappy. For me, in fact, it is incredible. I may not have a biologically related father to teach me to ride a bike, protect me from scary people and scary things, and fulfil all of the other traditional father roles, but I don't think I need one. I am lucky to have had three incredibly strong and incredibly kind people raise me. My mother has always been everything I needed her to be and more, taking on both parental roles as well as the role of a friend. As mum never remarried, the only real male role models in my life were my brothers, and they were damn good ones. Even though both of my brothers now live and work abroad they still manage to support me and help me through the shittier days, and I try to do the same for them. I don't need my dad to be my 'protector', because my mum is perfectly capable of doing that, as my brothers are despite the distance between us. Besides that, they've all taught me how to protect myself. I've never needed an official dad, because I have them. Nothing is missing from my life.
On a side note: one thing I absolutely despise is the general assumption that single mothers raise bad kids. Screw that. Throughout my academic career my school grades have never dropped below a B, nor did I ever get into fights or any real trouble at school. I got two A*s at A Level without becoming a total hermit so don't even try to tell me that single mothers can't raise intelligent, kind and well-rounded children. If I'd let my dad's attitude towards my achievements influence the amount of effort I put into my education I would never have worked as hard as I did or achieved such good grades to prove it. My brothers have excelled in their careers, and the eldest is actually the Executive Pastry Chef at Le Bernardin, one of the top restaurants in New York and actually in the world. Not only did she raise us single-handedly since my birth, but mum did that while studying for a University degree and working a job. She is incredible. Of course it is much harder to make a lot of money when you are a single mother raising three children, but money never really mattered to us. So it doesn't matter where you come from, or what anybody else thinks you can achieve because of that, you can achieve your dreams.
What hits me most about my family is how much we care about one another, how lucky I am to have them care so much about me. Despite what my father put them all through they have never let me feel different or unwanted, and they have always protected me from him. They encouraged me to have a relationship with him because they thought it was important. They never once said a bad thing about my father until I did, and even then I know they held back. I find it incredible that they were all able to put aside their own suffering for my sake when in reality they didn't have to. I know that if given the chance, I would now strive to do the same for them. In a way I do, because this time I am protecting them from my dad. We all stand up for one another and support each other through whatever comes our way, as family (biological or not) should. Of course we argue like every other family, but it never lasts long. We are still very close and aren't particularly good at being apart (seriously, we miss each other so much that it is physically painful at times), which I think is a testament to the love shown to and shared with one another from day one. I am thankful every day that I am part of this family, even if I arrived a decade or so late. I would do anything for my family, I have seen already that they will do anything for me.
Mum recently told me about something that Laurie, the eldest, had said to his girlfriend when mum had cancer almost 11 years ago. He said: "If anything happens to my mum Jennifer is coming with me, and if that isn't okay with you then we have no business being together." Thinking about that still brings me to tears.
I know that if the sky falls down on me, there's nothing in this world they wouldn't do. If it ever falls down on them, there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do.
This woman makes a damn good point.
It fills me with anger that so few people realise how true this is.
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