Ugly crying.

For a blissful but short period of my life I believed that I was free of my father's hold on me. I finally overcame my immense hulk-like anger and hatred towards him and simply became indifferent. For a while he could not hurt me, because I did not care. It is the unfortunate truth that this freedom has finally ended.

I have a half-sister, whom I love. She is 10 years old as of this April and is the sole reason that I stay in touch with my father. We have been writing letters contentedly to one another for years now, and our relationship has been entirely separate from my relationship with my dad.

Until now.

My father has decided to give me an all-or-nothing ultimatum. I must be part of his family's life completely, putting in maximum effort and making every attempt to make this broken father-daughter relationship work again, or he will cease contact with me immediately and include my half-sister in that.

Part of me is willing to accept this, because upon starting University I had hoped for a fresh start in all areas of my life. I decided to make more effort with my dad's family for my half sister's sake. By this point my father had decided to actively ignore my every attempt to contact him, so reconnecting for the restart didn't go so well. Nevertheless, I persisted with these attempts until the 26th April this year.

That was the day when I phoned their house to ask if my sister wanted me to visit for her birthday. I had been hoping my father wouldn't answer, so naturally he did. What ensued was a long and exhausting argument after which I was under the impression that I no longer had a father, as he 'couldn't be bothered' with me and all my 'crap' any more. That time he left my sister out of it.

So I gave up on my hopes of restarting the relationship and focussed instead on being a better sister.

I had not heard from my father since the 26th April until he messaged me this week to ask if I wanted anything in particular for my birthday. I replied that I was surprised by the offer given he'd basically disowned me, but that in any case there was nothing I couldn't treat myself to and that I would prefer it if he spent the money doing something nice with my sister instead.

On replying he basically ignored that request and had a massive rant at me about, in essence, me being a selfish shitty daughter and issued the ultimatum. When I had finished being angry and ugly crying about the messages, I realised that it was actually quite funny because dad was offering me exactly what I wanted (to try again with his family) as if I didn't want it. So I told him this, and said that yes of course I would like that, sounds great to me.

I do not believe that my father really wants to fix our relationship. He will find any excuse to fault me and cite this fault as an obstruction to the relationship. And alas he did, in the messages that followed a few days after my agreement. More stupid claims about me, on whom he thinks himself an expert when he is not. He cited many situations from the past, which he likes to complain about on repeat regardless of my response. In essence though the summary is the same. Ultimatum intact, I'm a shitty daughter, yada yada yada, will write to me but will cease use of Facebook messaging (which he claimed was the only way of contacting me these days despite the fact that I was the one who texted, called, and emailed as well as Facebook messaging him when he was busy ignoring me).

So I'm hopeful that when he writes to me the chance to try again will still stand, for my sister's sake.

I will be clear with you here. I do not want a relationship with my father. I would have ceased contact with him years ago if I did not have a sister to think about. It is for my sister's sake that I will try again if the offer still stands. It is for her sake that I am hopeful.

My worry is that losing my sister to his grip is inevitable. We may try again, but after a while he will decide that it has not worked and he will decide to cease contact between me and his family.

Regardless of the chance to restart, I worry that I am facing an inevitable forced cease of contact between myself and my sister.

The worst part is that he won't ever tell her the truth, because he can never be the bad guy. He will tell her that I chose to stop writing to her and seeing her. He will not tell her that he is ripping up every letter I send her (because I will always write to her, even against his wishes in futile hope that I will somehow get one past my dad). He will not tell her that he is forcing us apart.

For a moment, I hoped that I finally had a chance. Then I remembered who I was talking to and realised that I was facing the inevitable, I just seem to have a choice about the distance of this inevitability.

It is because of my father that I have been ugly crying frequently in this week before my 19th birthday. It is because of all the shit like this that he chooses to throw at me just when I think I'm doing okay that I cannot go a day without crying. That I cried today in town because all this is ever present in my mind, making me vulnerable to bouts of tears at any given time.

It is because of him that I am in constant pain all over again, just like 5 years ago when I had to have counselling because of him. Because I was afraid of my own father. Because I had grown up too fast to compensate for his refusing to play the adult. Because he made me feel like I was never good enough for him because it was so beneath him to utter that he was proud of me.

And do you know what?

When I told my father that I'd had counselling because of him, he didn't care. He didn't even react. My father quite simply did not give a shit about the damage he had caused me.

And I still struggle to believe that I will ever be good enough for anyone or anything, because I know in my heart that I will never be good enough for him.

For some reason that still matters.