Good morning world

I hope you had a lovely Christmas and start to 2015.

I worked at the Next Sale for a few days in the holidays, on top of studying, and on boxing day I had a shift from 6am to 1pm! Luckily, I was treated to an afternoon at William's afterwards, so he let me chill out and restore my faith in humanity. Present exchange was cute, as per. He got me a proper hand warmer, that stays warm for 9 hours and then you can reuse. What a dream :')

I was also lucky enough to go and see my wonderful older brother in Germany during the holidays, and it was a necessary and appreciated pick-me-up. We went for long walks, including a 3 hour walk up and around a mountain, ate delicious dinners in Alex's apartment, and had one meal at a nice restaurant. We explored the town, saw some pretty cool monuments, and mum and I had coffee in a chocolate shop when Alex was poorly. We even went to Luxembourg to see the new Hobbit in 3D (it was in English with French and German subtitles)! Naturally my hands nearly froze off every day, but my expensive, thin but super-warm coat kept my body temperature warm enough for my brain to convince my blood to remain in my hands. So it was a very cold, quite short, but successful trip. I miss Alex already. And mum, now that I'm back at Uni.

My family -1

It's me up a mountain. So freaking happy at that moment. Just look at that hat.

Different part of the same mountain, feat, myself, Alex, and the dog

Since then exams have come and gone, and now I'm waiting for the term to begin, so I can be crushed under the pile of books that I need to read again! We're doing The Importance of Being Earnest this term though, so I am super excited about that!! I love that play, and Wilde generally. I'm also going to be studying Fitzgerald and Hemingway, so I'm hoping that is going to be good. I've already started reading Oliver Twist, and am surprised by how much I am enjoying it - I didn't realise Dickens was hilarious!

The only real downside to things right now is that I damaged a muscle in December, and have been banned from doing any exercise that isn't walking. So my gym membership is going to waste, and I haven't done any yoga or dancing since the 23rd December. I'm starting to get a bit desperate now, but I saw the nurse yesterday and she said I need to keep off exercise for another month. Stressed.

So I'm darning my pointe shoes even though I can't really use them...

Speak soon.

Bye then.

Love being slated by people who used to call me friends, in ways absolutely uncalled for.
Love being deleted from Facebook by such people for no apparent reason.
Love it all.

Skype calls and other happy things

Happy things have been happening lately, which make the not quitting a little easier than last week.

I cannot articulate how happy it makes me to Skype my brother. He is my rock in this rather turbulent sea, and always has been. He is having such a hard time right now and it is so difficult to see/hear that when I can't be there with him, but he knows I want to be and I think that helps. I find it really hard to be separated from my brother, it genuinely feels like a part of myself is missing. Frankly, I do not give a shit what anyone else says about the fact that we are technically half-siblings because we have different dads. I love my little family, however untraditional we may be, and we certainly do not love each other any less for it. But back to the point. Skyping my brother cheers me up immensely. I am so, so grateful to have such a wonderful man in my life, and my brother means more to me than I could ever express. So while we talked through some tough things tonight, I feel so much better for having spoken to him again.

Also, I have started learning pointe!! I have my pointe shoes and everything now, but I can't sew ribbons on and practice or break them in until I go back to my new class on Saturday and get the teacher to check they're alright. But still, dreams are coming true, and that is always a happy thing.

(AHHH they're mine!!)

I have decided to go back to counselling, which I think is a step in the right direction. During the assessment session I admitted some things that I had yet to fully realise, and the counsellor and I both think it will be very beneficial for me to continue with it to give myself a chance to come to terms with those realisations and grieve for what I have lost.

It's reading week this week! Which means that I have no classes and can focus on doing my next essay, reading the big-ass novel they've set for one of my modules, and use the rest of my time to go to the gym and my yoga class there :)

Finally, David is coming up this weekend so we can have our joint un-birthday party (since we missed each others) and eat cake, drink cider, and play Tombraider all weekend. I am happy about this prospect.

So all in all, things are looking up. Problems haven't gone away, but happy things are helping.

Coming home (Last week's unpublished post)

I went home again this weekend, and was so sad to leave.

Mum and I didn't get to do anything special because I have essays due Tuesday and so had tons of work to do, but William and I went to the Wicksteed fireworks show together.

It was so, so good to see that boy again. Uni makes it difficult to meet up and spend time together, but every time we manage to figure something out I feel so much better for seeing him. As usual, I forgot everything I've been struggling with, and it was so nice to be with someone that I didn't have to explain anything to and who was more interested in talking to me than playing on their phone. Saturday was also the first time I haven't spent the whole day feeling on the verge of tears. It was really funny, and he was as silly and cuddly and sweet as usual. Even when we met up with two other boys I didn't feel left out, we just all had a really good time together.

The bonfire was great, but the sadly fireworks felt so much shorter this time! I'm sure they normally last a lot longer. They were cool while they lasted though, and it gave me a chance to play with the settings on my camera again. They always play well known songs to sync the fireworks to so naturally we were all singing along, and during Aerosmith they boys definitely sounded like a classic boy band :')

We went on a 'mirror maze' at the fair, which was some pretty funky shit. It is so confusing because you have no idea which panes are 'glass' and which are open, so it is even difficult to just retrace your steps. It was super fun, and after that we just chilled and chatted until mum came to collect me.

Saying goodbye to William was not fun. I do not enjoy walking away from that boy. There's nobody like him, no one I get on with in the same way and can just cuddle or be stupid with or whatever at uni. I don't know how we came to love each other so much but we do. I remember having to explain to George that yes we loved each other but no not George did not have any competition because we didn't love each other in that way. Although William can be a total pain in the ass sometimes, he is always there whenever I need him to be, and I wouldn't wish for a different best friend. So yeah, saying goodbye for the billionth time did suck.

Trying not to quit

Since I spoke to my personal tutor, as mentioned in the previous post, I have been forced to admit that I am not coping.

I miss home. I miss my mum. One of my brothers is having a really hard time and I can't do anything to help him. I can't even give him a hug because he's in a different country. I haven't spoken to him properly for ages and I miss him more than I can actually articulate. I need him to cheer me up but I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he has enough on his plate right now. My other brother has been so busy with a new job that I haven't heard from him since the beginning of September, so I can't talk to him either. Add that to an increased workload and the fact that my father just walked out of my life and took my half-sister with him, and I don't think it's particularly difficult to see why I'm struggling.

I want to go home. I love University, I love my uni house, I love my friends here and I love earning my mum's pride, but I am falling behind because I can't cope.

I can't deal with all this shit and still be the First Class student that I have been working so hard to be.

My grades are really important to me and always have been, so the fact that I may be losing grip on the one thing I can actually do is beyond scary.

Despite my education being so important to me, I really just want to quit. I want to deal with one thing at a time and my family will always take priority. I want to lay in bed and cry all day. I want to take a week out to visit my brother or look after my mum. Most of all, I want time to grieve the loss of my relationship with my sister, and actually the final loss of my relationship with my father.

But I don't have time.

I have university. I have studying to do. And trying not to quit right now is actually the hardest thing to do.

You have only let me down.

Since I came back to University I have spent a lot of time pretending that everything is wonderful when I'm actually really struggling, and it has taken a lot to finally admit that to myself and others.

Uni itself is incredible, I am genuinely loving it. But, as my personal tutor pointed out on Monday I specifically said 'everything at university is great' rather than 'everything is great'. The problem is outside Uni, and I have been trying so hard to keep it that way and not allow it to effect any aspect of my academic life.



However, there is really no escaping it. It's the same thing every fucking time, except this time it's really a kicker.



You may or may not remember, but in a blog post titled 'Ugly Crying' (http://littleboatfloating.blogspot.co.uk/2014/07/ugly-crying.html) I explained the then-current situation between myself and my father. In case you missed that little gem, I'll offer some explanation.



My father, as most of you will know, has never been particularly interested in making my life easier and happier. In fact he seems to revel in the opposite. Normally, I just ignore his best efforts to make me miserable and get on with my life. After over a decade of this shit you just get over it. This time, however, is different.



In the ugly crying post I explain our major fall out, cease of contact and the final argument in which he gave me the all or nothing ultimatum - be a part of his family or lose contact with all of them, until my sister is old enough to decide whether or not she wants to know me herself. When I ended the blog post I was still waiting for him to write to me. He did, in that he sent me a birthday card with two words in it, and a sticky note to say that I should write to him re a new start.



So I did. I told him that of course I wanted to be part of the family, that was what I had been trying for since I started University last year. I skipped the egg shells and told him that I would never willingly walk away from my sister, so actually I was making the choice without any real choice. I also said that although I wanted to have an actual father-daughter relationship again, I wanted it to be one without the pain and awfulness that we put each other through last time.



Apparently he did not find my terms agreeable, because although I sent the letter to him in August, I have not heard from him since.



The awful part, the part that kills me inside every time I think about it, is that I haven't heard from my sister either.



He won. He has rejected my terms and taken away the one thing that mattered to me under his control.



I still write to her, of course. But I don't know whether she even knows that. I don't know how he has explained the lack of communication to her, and my biggest fear is that she thinks I have walked away from her.



I made the choice to suffer his presence in my life so that I could make sure she knew I was always there. My father forced me to make that choice, and then rejected my decision for the sake of his own sense of control.



So now I don't seem to have a father. In my case, that isn't much of a big deal.  I don't miss him, and I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. It always angers me to the point of tears that he is entirely incapable of behaving as a father should. I am surrounded by wonderful men, men who are fantastic fathers or who would be fantastic fathers. So I know that it is possible. But apparently not for my father. Not for me. Other than this constant frustration, I couldn't care less about him. I am done.



My sister, however, is a whole other matter. I adore her, and I am completely heartbroken now that I may have lost her. There is absolutely nothing I can do except to continue to write to her, as I have been doing, in the hopes that one day she will see one and know that I never gave up. So now I'm playing a waiting game, hoping that she will be deemed old enough to make her decision sooner rather than later.



All of this, as might be expected, has made me feel really rather miserable. When I'm miserable, I'm a rubbish person, and I hate that. I was extortionately rude to a very good friend last night, and I barely noticed. That is not me. Misery makes me forget myself, and this particular misery, like it's cause, is unrelenting. I have been trying so hard to get by, and to separate my academic life from all this personal shit. But it isn't working. I am losing all sense of motivation, and I cannot imagine that I will still be at First standard by the end of the year. Today is the first day since I sent that letter that I have acknowledged the extent to which I am hurting, and the extent to which every other part of my life is suffering for that. I have been trying so hard to fight against the return of my depression and the eating disorder that followed last time, but I am so scared that I am just falling back into the dark place in which I lost myself the first time.



I feel so, so alone, and so fucking helpless.



But I hate self pity parties, so tomorrow I will acknowledge that tonight was for accepting how things are and how I actually feel, but I will tell myself that the new day is here and the pity party is over. I will force myself to get up and to carry on. I will focus on my work to the point that it numbs me. I will continue to survive, although I ache.

Life is better with friends

A wonderful weekend

On Saturday Becky and I went to a nearby lake with some other international students and spent a few hours there reading and chatting. It was super pretty, and there was a little fake beach at the side of the lake that was perfect in the beautiful sunshine. I got to know some girls from Thursday better, and met another girl who had some very cool things to say and who told Becky about a live performance of Rocky Horror that night! So we got back and I had some Oreo ice cream from Yum Yums because it was that kind of day, then we studied, ate and slept until it was time to get ready and go. It was absolutely insane and we loved it! So that's one thing I can tick off my bucket list. We got back at 3am though.

Sunday was incredible. We got up early despite the late night and started the drive to Boone to see Ian and some beautiful mountain views! It was super exciting driving down and watching the landscape change as we got closer and closer to the mountains. I also saw a sign for a Volunteer Fire Department on the way which made me happy because of the Lemony Snicket books. When we arrived Ian showed us around his very cool, hippy dude style apartment, and it was so good to see him and really interesting to see where/how he lived. We headed down the road for lunch at a Mexican restaurant which was great because not only was the food delicious but we got served really quickly - ten times faster than in England! After dinner we visited the local town, which was super cute and full of diverse people (but mostly hippies). We saw a motorcycle gang drive down the main road with one member in a skeleton mask just seconds after walking past a group of barefoot hippies braiding some beautiful bracelets. We went into Mast General Store that sold a whole variety of things from sweets to hiking gear and I got myself a little handmade photo block that says 'You are Loved' because I wanted something special that reminded me of this trip without it being some corny souvenir. After that Ian took us to explore his University campus. So many statues! If I remember correctly they have three libraries, which as a book nerd I find fabulous, if I'm wrong then the one Ian took us to would make up for numbers in it's elegance. Their observatory was also pretty cool, with a whole rooftop of telescopes. After our tour and lots of catch up chat while we walked, it was time to head back and change ready for our hikes in the mountains!

This is the place where I will run out of words. Not because there isn't anything to say/describe, but because the entire experience was innately indescribable. Ian drove us all to the trail for Beacon Heights, and we began the short hike to the outlook. It was super cool to hike up paths that were more nature than human-made, but the whole thing was making me pine for my brother. I had a nice chat with Becky about brothers and exploring on the way up, but when we got to the outlook we just stopped because it was breathtaking. We emerged from the trees onto the stone and into the open air. We could see for miles across the gorgeous tree-covered mountains and I stood for a good few seconds in awe of what I was seeing. We got a group photo and sat down together to appreciate the view. Ian asked if we'd ever wished we could fly. Sitting above the trees gazing across the landscape certainly gave me a taste of how it would feel, but sitting there with my friends in that moment was enough of a dream come true for me. I think Becky and I had an overwhelming sense of gratefulness to our friends for making this possible, because she started to say thank you at the same second that I had been thinking how to say it.

After a long while enjoying that view, we walked the trail to the other side. As I stepped out of the trees onto the other outlook I turned to Ian to say that the view would never get old, and he told me 'It never does'. Some people think that once you've seen one mountain view you've seen them all, but that is certainly not the case. The views change continually as the visibility changes, so there's always something new to see. While up there we got talking to a super sweet, super interesting old couple who I could happily have talked to all day. It's rare to meet people who can sustain conversation so well, and it was an absolute privilege to hear what the lady had to say to Ian and I while her husband talked to Becky and Sarah. We talked about birds, landscape, books, the power of education, the fact that we hear more about evil than good and what effect that has on society, Cicero, the problems Ian faces becoming a teacher in today's society, the beauty of different landscapes in different countries, and so much more that I wish I could remember. She congratulated Ian and I on being 'awake', which is an incredible compliment because it is so important to me. After saying goodbye to the lovely couple we headed back to the car for another adventure.

Sarah was feeling tired and poorly so sadly felt it would be best for her to stay in the car while Ian, Becky and I hiked up to Rough Ridge. This hike was a little more strenuous because Becky and I have short legs and the 'steps' we had to take were a little further apart than was comfortable. Nevertheless, it was well worth the extra effort. It isn't often that the view you see with your own two eyes beats the professional photograph on the front of a postcard, but that was one moment it certainly did. Waking up this morning I felt like the entire day and everything I had the privilege of seeing could have all been a dream. We took our photographs to prove that it was all real and that we had really stood there, then sat down together on the edge of the rock and enjoyed watching the light change the landscape. As the light moved, new areas became visible as others lost clarity. Every second that we sat there we had something new to see. In that moment, sitting between two of my favourite people on the top of a mountain, I realised that I am content with my life. No, everything is not perfect and there have certainly been a lot of hiccups, but I wouldn't change a thing. I am content, and for that I am so so grateful. I just can't wait for my next adventure, and to meet all the wonderful people that I am going to continue to meet and love. So we sat up there feeling content and enjoying the view until the wind forced us to head back down to the car.

Before we left the mountains, Ian drove us through a wall of fog to Thunder Hill, where we stood at the edge of the road at watched the fog rising up out of trees across the mountains. It was so surreal to watch the fog rise in what looked like tufts from random spots on the mountains. The cold pushed as back into the car after a few minutes and we said goodbye to the mountains.

Sarah went to eat with her sister but Becky, Ian and I went to a place called Come Back Shack for dinner, a burger place where every ingredient is locally sourced and (I think) organic. I'd used up pretty much all the money I'd brought for the day on fuel, lunch and the souvenirs, but luckily I'd brought food with me so I ate that and just shared fries and chips with Becky at the restaurant. We talked about ISIS, governments, international laws and police, terrorism, rights, and time flying by. I was reminded again of how much I enjoy talking to Ian face to face, rather than by Facebook messaging where our conversation feels restrained to small talk. Ian talked about how much time had just flown for him, as he is in his final year and about to step out into the world. As he was talking about how fast it feels like we age, I was felt sad at the realisation that the next time I see him could be a decade away, when he will have lived through so much more and we will all have changed so much. But when we all headed back to the apartment and Sarah was ready to go home, saying goodbye wasn't as awful as it could have been. Although I miss Ian already, and will miss my other international friends when we say goodbye on Saturday, I will keep in mind what Sarah told me: If you have people in your life that you miss, just remember how blessed you are that you have people in your life who love and care about you and who you love and care about enough to miss. So that's what I am going to hold onto when I get on my plane home this Saturday. I'm going to remember that regardless how soon or distant our next meeting is, and however far the distance is between us, I have been blessed in my friends and nothing can change what they will always mean to me.

Things that I've learned this week:
Life is better with friends, and I am so lucky in mine.
The importance of kindness and kind people.
That I really need to get over my English reservedness and start actually talking to people the way my friends here do.
How important it is to explore and examine this life and our world. If we don't keep asking questions and learning then we can never grow.

I wrote a postcard to my sister today and I just really wanted to tell Imogen about the importance of friendship and kindness above everything else, because standing on top of those mountains yesterday is an opportunity that would not have been available to me without those things.

Apologies for getting all philosophical with you, but I don't know how anyone could see what I saw and not feel this way. It's no wonder almost everyone in Boone is a hippy if that's where they live.

Coffee shops and new friends

I've been here for a good few days now and have been too busy or tired to write!

There have been a hell of a lot of names to learn, and a couple of people have made regular appearances this week which is nice. We've spent a lot of time in this cute little coffee shop on Tate Street, and the other day Becky and I were joined by a few friends and had a lovely afternoon talking about music and writing while sipping delicious coffee.

I've only spent one day fully on my own. Becky needed to work on an essay and catch up on sleep really badly, so I decided to go exploring. I found my way downtown (eventually - road signs are confusing here!) to Greensboro Historical Museum, which was a thoroughly interesting museum about the history of this state. I learned about the Quakers, slavery, feminism, the civil war, and the local people. The museum staff were super lovely which made the whole thing even better. Walking back was much easier, and Sarah collected me from the lovely coffee shop. She and Hollyn went straight out to church after dropping me off, and I spent the evening eating, watching movies, and eventually video calling Ian to talk about our visit to Boone on Sunday. It was a little awkward but all things considered it could have been a lot worse, and it was really nice to see him again. It's been difficult for the rest of us to get a response out of him about visiting but it looks like we're good to go now.

Sarah has said she'll take me to some more museums next week if I'm interested, so that should be cool.

On Thursday night Becky and I went clubbing with some other internationals, which was kinda fun. It totally sucks going back to being underage after a year of being able to drink legally at home! I feel like the club we went to is the kind of place where you need to be at least tipsy if you want to enjoy it fully. We were on a rooftop, though, which was super cool. It was a really cool night aside from the one style of dancing that all the Americans insist on doing - grinding. Not pretty, and actually makes it a little scary to go there as a woman. Overall it was a good night.

We meant to go out to a different club (less grinding more salsa) last night but despite two coffees we were totally shattered and couldn't find anyone to go with us anyway. Instead, we curled up with some popcorn on two sofas that had been pushed together and watched He's Just Not That Into You.

I'm not sure why we were so tired yesterday because all we did was study and go to an amazing cupcake shop called Maxy B's, where I ate an absolutely delicious gluten free chocolate cupcake! There were loads of flavours to choose from normally but sadly my gluten intolerance meant I could only have chocolate, vanilla, or chocolate and pumpkin.

It's super nice here and I'm really looking forward to going to Boone tomorrow!

Oh hey there, America

Sorry it's been a while, things have been pretty hectic lately.

Hello from America!

I arrived in Greensboro, North Carolina last night after an exhausting and eventful outward journey. As always I barely slept before we headed to Manchester airport (at 3am) so I was tired as well as nervous. It didn't help that I had received an email from United Airlines telling me that my Munich to Washington flight was delayed by over 2 hours, which meant that unless they caught up time I would miss my connecting flight to my final destination. First flight was alright, although I felt a little nauseous with nerves and it had taken forever to get through security. My second flight was still delayed, and so I had way too much time to waste and not enough water to drink. When I found somewhere to buy water, I was so stressed I left my jumper, passport and boarding pass on the counter! Luckily I realised quickly and ran back to pick them up. The second flight was horrible because it was so long and I can't sleep on planes. I ended up watching two films - Transcendence (great film) and the new X-Man (alright film) - and still had over two hours left to try and get some sleep. I slept fitfully, despite being so exhausted. Arrived late in Washington and was told that I had been put on a flight to Greensboro on Sunday afternoon, and would therefore have to collect my bag and stay overnight. Luckily the airline provided a hotel voucher and food vouchers, so I didn't have to think about claiming on my insurance.

After a horrible stressful moment about my luggage and a tearful phone call with mum I made my way through the maze that is Washington IAD, used one meal voucher for a hot chocolate, water and fruit from a lovely man who was super nice and gave me directions to the shuttle bus for the hotel. Now I was expecting a Travelodge type thing, but this hotel was super fancy, and I was so grateful to be able to go to sleep in a lovely room with a comfy bed.

Sunday
I took my time getting ready to leave the hotel, and made use of the coffee machine and chaise lounge in my room, which was pretty cool. Luckily I had the fruit and some other bits that I could eat for breakfast so I didn't have to use my last voucher at the hotel restaurant. Getting through the airport was very uneventful so I chilled at the gate watching Eddie Izzard videos and letting my friends know what was happening. The flight was horribly noisy but luckily very quick. I had a wonderful taxi driver who was chatting away to me the whole time, and gave me his number so that I could call him to pick me up for the return journey.
I arrived at my friend Sarah's apartment at 7 I think, and it was so so good to see her! We picked Becky (ahh I was so excited to see this girl!!) and had dinner at Hop's with Sarah's roommate Hollyn. They had gluten free vegetation burgers! It got very confused ordering my burger because in America you choose every component, and I'd only ever had a burger from McDonald's where unless you specify what you don't want then there isn't as much choice. Other than the confusion the meal was great and it was great to catch up with my girls and get to know Hollyn.
The workload is crazy here, so we spent the rest of the night studying (and getting distracted talking about boys) in the library.
It was a really nice day, and I am so grateful to my mum and all my friends for keeping me chilled through the more stressful parts of my journey.

Today (Monday) I am meeting up with Becky after her class so we shall see what today brings!

Things learned on the outward journey:
Do not attempt travelling to America on your own if you get stressed very easily and don't have a sense of adventure. I'm lucky because although I get stressed easily I do have a sense of adventure, and that meant that I could recover easier from the stress and look back on it all with a smile.
Try and find some kind people to help you or just be kind to you, because they make the world feel 10x less scary.
If it's free, use it or eat it!!

Ugly crying.

For a blissful but short period of my life I believed that I was free of my father's hold on me. I finally overcame my immense hulk-like anger and hatred towards him and simply became indifferent. For a while he could not hurt me, because I did not care. It is the unfortunate truth that this freedom has finally ended.

I have a half-sister, whom I love. She is 10 years old as of this April and is the sole reason that I stay in touch with my father. We have been writing letters contentedly to one another for years now, and our relationship has been entirely separate from my relationship with my dad.

Until now.

My father has decided to give me an all-or-nothing ultimatum. I must be part of his family's life completely, putting in maximum effort and making every attempt to make this broken father-daughter relationship work again, or he will cease contact with me immediately and include my half-sister in that.

Part of me is willing to accept this, because upon starting University I had hoped for a fresh start in all areas of my life. I decided to make more effort with my dad's family for my half sister's sake. By this point my father had decided to actively ignore my every attempt to contact him, so reconnecting for the restart didn't go so well. Nevertheless, I persisted with these attempts until the 26th April this year.

That was the day when I phoned their house to ask if my sister wanted me to visit for her birthday. I had been hoping my father wouldn't answer, so naturally he did. What ensued was a long and exhausting argument after which I was under the impression that I no longer had a father, as he 'couldn't be bothered' with me and all my 'crap' any more. That time he left my sister out of it.

So I gave up on my hopes of restarting the relationship and focussed instead on being a better sister.

I had not heard from my father since the 26th April until he messaged me this week to ask if I wanted anything in particular for my birthday. I replied that I was surprised by the offer given he'd basically disowned me, but that in any case there was nothing I couldn't treat myself to and that I would prefer it if he spent the money doing something nice with my sister instead.

On replying he basically ignored that request and had a massive rant at me about, in essence, me being a selfish shitty daughter and issued the ultimatum. When I had finished being angry and ugly crying about the messages, I realised that it was actually quite funny because dad was offering me exactly what I wanted (to try again with his family) as if I didn't want it. So I told him this, and said that yes of course I would like that, sounds great to me.

I do not believe that my father really wants to fix our relationship. He will find any excuse to fault me and cite this fault as an obstruction to the relationship. And alas he did, in the messages that followed a few days after my agreement. More stupid claims about me, on whom he thinks himself an expert when he is not. He cited many situations from the past, which he likes to complain about on repeat regardless of my response. In essence though the summary is the same. Ultimatum intact, I'm a shitty daughter, yada yada yada, will write to me but will cease use of Facebook messaging (which he claimed was the only way of contacting me these days despite the fact that I was the one who texted, called, and emailed as well as Facebook messaging him when he was busy ignoring me).

So I'm hopeful that when he writes to me the chance to try again will still stand, for my sister's sake.

I will be clear with you here. I do not want a relationship with my father. I would have ceased contact with him years ago if I did not have a sister to think about. It is for my sister's sake that I will try again if the offer still stands. It is for her sake that I am hopeful.

My worry is that losing my sister to his grip is inevitable. We may try again, but after a while he will decide that it has not worked and he will decide to cease contact between me and his family.

Regardless of the chance to restart, I worry that I am facing an inevitable forced cease of contact between myself and my sister.

The worst part is that he won't ever tell her the truth, because he can never be the bad guy. He will tell her that I chose to stop writing to her and seeing her. He will not tell her that he is ripping up every letter I send her (because I will always write to her, even against his wishes in futile hope that I will somehow get one past my dad). He will not tell her that he is forcing us apart.

For a moment, I hoped that I finally had a chance. Then I remembered who I was talking to and realised that I was facing the inevitable, I just seem to have a choice about the distance of this inevitability.

It is because of my father that I have been ugly crying frequently in this week before my 19th birthday. It is because of all the shit like this that he chooses to throw at me just when I think I'm doing okay that I cannot go a day without crying. That I cried today in town because all this is ever present in my mind, making me vulnerable to bouts of tears at any given time.

It is because of him that I am in constant pain all over again, just like 5 years ago when I had to have counselling because of him. Because I was afraid of my own father. Because I had grown up too fast to compensate for his refusing to play the adult. Because he made me feel like I was never good enough for him because it was so beneath him to utter that he was proud of me.

And do you know what?

When I told my father that I'd had counselling because of him, he didn't care. He didn't even react. My father quite simply did not give a shit about the damage he had caused me.

And I still struggle to believe that I will ever be good enough for anyone or anything, because I know in my heart that I will never be good enough for him.

For some reason that still matters.